I love Christmas music.  I am totally fine with starting to hear it on the radio in November.  My biggest complaint is that the radio stations stop playing it on midnight Christmas Day.  Because as we all know, the Christmas season is two weeks long and many parties and gatherings are occurring during the week after Christmas.  But, I’ll take what I can get.

               That said, I have spent forty years waiting for someone to notice that a song played about every hour during “the season” is (1) NOT a Christmas song and (b) totally annoying.  It was released in 1984 and has been annoying me every November and December since. 

               The name of this – according to Wikipedia – “classic Christmas song” is “Last Christmas.”  It was recorded by Wham! and gosh, Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go people should know better!

               I have researched and I understand that George Michael, the member of the band who wrote the song, did, in fact, have a girlfriend break up with him on December 26^th.  However, the fact that something happened on the day after Christmas does not, in my opinion, make this a “classic Christmas song.” 

               It’s neither secular nor religious in content. Read these lyrics:  

“Last Christmas, I gave you my heart,

But the very next day, you gave it away.
This year, to save me from tears
I’ll give it to someone special.”

               This is a break up song.  It’s about heartache and relationships.  There’s nothing in the song about a baby in a manger, wise men traveling afar, stars guiding the way (or any other stars), shepherds, sheep, full inns, or God saving the world.  So this “Christmas classic” isn’t religious in any way.

               There is also an absence of references to snow, bells, sleigh rides, snowmen, or trees being bedecked with ornaments.  There are no remarks about hot chocolate, the weather, having snowball fights, sledding, or dreaming of fireplaces and presents.  There is certainly no mention of anything to do with winter, the holiday itself, or holiday activities.  So this song is not a Christmas classic in any way.

               In fact, while again, I understand that this man’s heart was broken the day after Christmas, substitute any two-syllable word in there and you still get the total point. It could have happened last New Year’s, last Easter, last summer, last August, or even last weekend.  (Go ahead, sing it with any of those – you still get the point!).  You can’t do that with a real Christmas song.  Try it – substitute any two-syllable word for “manger” in “Away in a Manger” and see if it doesn’t change the meaning entirely.  “Away in a hotel the poor baby wakes…”  nope, changes the whole idea. 

               So while I get that it actually happened to this poor schmuck at Christmas-time, what I do NOT get is why people think this is a Christmas song – let alone a Christmas classic.  I also do not appreciate hearing this melancholy stuff every hour from November 1 through December 25^th.

               But all that venting aside, it has been 41 years.  I think I’m losing the battle of convincing anyone with any clout that it’s not a Christmas tune.  So, I’m revamping my brain, instead.

               Each of us has had some heartbreak in our lives.  At least, I have.  So I’m going to assume that the guy is talking about giving his heart to someone special – someone who won’t break his heart, who won’t ever leave him, and who will always be faithful.

               Gosh.  Sounds a lot like Jesus, huh?
               Merry Christmas, everybody!

               For years I have read about the “dumbing down of America.”  While somewhat concerned, I gamely remained convinced that we really are developing as a society.  I mean, we continue to develop and invent new and creative things.  The “rating” system for our public schools is so artificial and so politically based that it doesn’t truly measure the great education we are providing our children.  That’s why I continued to cling to the idea that our society is not getting “dumber.”

               Until recently.

               It all started with a number of advertisements for various prescription medications.  Let me digress to say that I find these annoying in the extreme.  Usually the side effects listed for these meds are scarier than the itchy skin, allergies, or breathing problems you might actually have.  Plus, why do we have to advertise for these?  Don’t we think our highly trained doctors will recommend what we need?  (Oh wait, powerful leaders of insurance companies and pharmacies – few of whom went to med school – will dictate those things).  So maybe we do need to advertise.

               But they are ridiculous.  They suggest – or try to suggest – that if we ask our doctor and actually take these meds we will suddenly have a wonderful life.  We will play volleyball on beaches.  We will dance at parties.  We will sit in bathtubs in fields. 

               None of that – excruciatingly irritating though they may be – are what made me think we are getting dumber.  It’s the end of each and every one of those commercials that say “don’t take this if you’re allergic to it.”

               Apparently we’ve become so stupid we don’t know not to take something we’re allergic to.  It also begs the question of how are we supposed to know we’re allergic to it….unless we try it?

               Then I started hearing contestants on Jeopardy (arguably the most intelligent of the game shows around) speak.  Of course, they have to speak.  But it’s HOW they are speaking.  They passed the audition and have enough smarts to make it on this quite challenging show.  But many of them somehow missed basic grammar lessons in school.

               At first, I was just saddened that so many people pronounce the word “hundred” as “hunnerd.”  It’s unnerving, and automatically reduces my perception of their IQ by ten or twenty points.

               An alarming number of contestants begin every response to a question in their interview segment with “Yeah, so.”  Ken Jennings will ask, “did you travel to some foreign country?”  and the answer is “yeah, so, I went to India.”

               It gets worse.  Often, the response is “Yeah, so, me and my wife…” or “yeah, so, me and my friends….”  We learned this grammar lesson in third grade!  It’s “my wife and I” and “my friends and I.”  These are supposedly smart, well educated people. “Supposedly” being the operant word.

               The final blow to my inflated sense of society’s sophistication and brainpower came at a local high school football game. Two teams were playing for the league championship and everyone in attendance knew that one team was far better than the other.  But the less-skilled team  – all high school boys aged 14 – 17 – were giving it their all.  They didn’t do well.  The quarterback got sacked a lot and they were shut out.

               The “fans” of the losing team were the ones booing them the loudest.  They called out nasty remarks and names.  To their own team.  In front of those kids’ parents.

               I guess we really are dumber than I thought. Yeah, so me and my husband will have to think about that.  Maybe a hunnerd times.

               Geography is not a gift I have.  It’s not even strength.  In fact, I am so bad at geography that I would probably qualify for some kind of assistance.  Thankfully, I have a husband who is quite talented at all things geographical.  It comes in handy when someone wants to know where a particular mountain range or river is located.

               My husband discovered this surprising lack of knowledge in my brain early on in our relationship. He asked me to draw a map of the 48 contiguous states.  I managed to get most of them on the map. I was left with a rather large area, unnamed, and I titled it “Louisiana.”  It rivaled Alaska in size, and was bigger than Texas (although I knew it wasn’t correct, I was unable to make it any better).

               Hence, when we play word games  – which we do a lot – he has a lot of trouble getting me to give clues that make sense, or guessing any locale with any accuracy based on good clues.  The good news is that he has gotten quite skilled at figuring out what I am actually trying to describe.

               For example, I was giving him clues to a country and said, “It’s an island nation.”  He began to enumerate many islands, and none were what I was seeing on the little card.  So I said, “Pacific shoreline.”  He replied “coast!”  When I nodded, excitedly, he looked puzzled for a moment and said, questioningly, “Costa Rica?”
               “Yes!” I replied.  “We got it.” 

               “That’s not an island,” he said, without rancor.  “It’s a country in Central America.”

               Huh.

               A couple of days later, I gave him another clue.  “Des Moines, state.”

               He responded (I’m sure correctly), “Iowa.”

               Oh, nuts.  “Potato,” I said, quickly.

               That got the idea to him immediately – Idaho!  He figured out that I wanted a state that started with I, but clearly not Iowa.

               See?  He’s already adapting to my lack of information.

               It’s just as bad when he’s trying to get me to guess somewhere.  The other day he said, “Alabama.”

               I immediately leapt to a football analogy and said, “Michigan.”

               That amused him, but he kept trying.  “Louisiana,” was his next clue.

               My guess was, “South?”

               He then said, “River!”

               Ah, finally!  I know this.  “Ohio!” I replied confidently.       

               His face was a study in bewilderment.  “No, big river,” he repeated.

               I never did guess “Mississippi.”  When he told me what it was, I said, “Why didn’t you say Mark Twain?”

               “Because that’s Missouri,” he told me.  Seriously?  Missouri?  First of all, that’s not a river.  And secondly Mark Twain always wrote about the Mississippi River.  Didn’t he?

               Well, anyway, I’m not a mapmaker so it doesn’t really matter that I don’t know where anything is. 

               But I am grateful that he’s adapting to my brain rather than expecting me to learn which lakes go with which countries.  I mean, if Kentucky owns the Ohio River, and Canada owns Lake Michigan, then how can I be blamed for not understanding geography?

      

               It all started with a simple conversation about candy dishes.  When my mother-in-law passed away, we (her three children and I) divided up her considerable stash of jewelry, knick-knacks, dishes, purses and papers.  It took months, and in the end, among many other treasures, we inherited about 6 candy dishes.  (Why anyone needed 18 candy dishes is a question only my mother-in-law can answer…though I suspect she inherited many herself).      

               At any rate, we had this one candy dish that concerned me.  It has rested peacefully in our kitchen cabinet for nearly 15 years, unused and unusable because it has no sides.  How in the heck do you keep candy in it?  Or is it for a lone bar or two? 
               It looks like this:

So it’s basically flat, with a slight curve

               My friend suggested I look it up on Google search and guess what?  It’s not a candy dish, at all!  It’s (wait for it) a BANANA BOAT!  You’re supposed to keep your bananas in/on it!

               That made such sense, though in truth I never saw Mom put bananas on it.  It’s possible that she didn’t know it wasn’t a candy dish, either.  This exciting development made me look up other oddities that have been sequestered in our cabinets for years. 

               For example, I never did know what in the world to do with this tiny dish:

As you can see in the picture, it’s about 2 inches long and 1 inch wide.  Too little for candy, jewelry, or, I thought, flowers.  But it turns out, yes, it’s a tiny little vase to put one or two blooms in for a decorative table setting.

               Well, it’s pretty, I’ll say that.  But I’m not cutting flowers from my garden to put in the vase. Not when I’ve got nice, big vases to use.  At least I know what the intended purpose is!

               The next treasure in our cabinet was a little divided stand.  I thought it must be for tacos, seriously, but I don’t think that taco holders are typically handpainted.  So I looked it up, as well. 

It’s a letter holder, or so I’m told.  I tried putting letters in it, and they didn’t really stand up.  So maybe it’s a cigar holder! Your guess is as good as mine.  Here’s the pic:

       The final treasure was a divided plate. I’ve seen those “luncheon” plates before, in fact I’ve had a set that belonged to my own mom.  But this one is interesting because it’s all by itself and it has no distinct place for a glass or mug.  It’s strange:

It seems like the glass or cup would slide to the front.  And it’s really pretty small.  Not sure when this was manufactured, but I guess it’s lunch for one!

               Perhaps a banana from my banana boat.  While I look at two tiny flowers in a tiny vase and sort my letters.  We’ll see.