Recently I heard that the New York Transit Authority had updated their instructional guidelines to include the specific admonition that “defecation on the subway is prohibited.”  Have we really fallen that far down the evolutionary ladder in terms of both common sense and common decency?  This has gone far beyond the tags on pillows that say “do not remove under penalty of prosecution.” I used to worry about the tag police arriving at my house with an arrest warrant, until I realized that once I had purchased said pillow, I could remove tags at will.  Whew! 

Seriously, though, the instructions seem to have become more and more ridiculous – beyond the mere advice to “not use the hair dryer outside or in the bathtub.”  Well, duh. Plus, who has a cord on a hair dryer that reaches to “outside”? 

The sad truth is, however, that if you read instructions on most normal products or services, they speak to the very dumbest among us. Apparently, they have to.

For example, we bought a new hose last year and when we took it out of the box, we noticed instructions printed on the inside of the bottom of the box. Instructions for using a hose?  It really seemed self-explanatory. Worse, the first instruction said, and I’m not kidding, “remove hose from box.” Duh, again.

Last week, I purchased some small staples that are used with a hammer, rather than a staple gun, for craft products. The back of the tiny box had this warning:  “do not put staples in mouth.” I know that some folks do hold nails in their mouths when working, but staples?  Seriously, I didn’t think we needed to be told that!

Recently, I began to notice that some of the people who create these warnings on labels are displaying a quirky sense of humor. It had never occurred to me before, but it must be a tedious job to create tags for appliances or clothing that say the same thing, over and over. Equally dull is the job of printing up the schematics and instructions for putting together furniture or children’s toys, although I’m absolutely convinced that these people are either using a translating dictionary or are creating misleading instructions deliberately. There can be no other reason that you read at the beginning of step M, “be sure that part B was inserted with flat side out in step D.”

On the other hand, I was delighted to find a unique tag in a  shirt I purchased. Instead of the typical “made in wherever,” it gave the name of the company and this cute line, embroidered on the tag: “These shirts were tested on animals. They didn’t fit.” I laughed hard at this.

Then I discovered a company in England called Sainsbury. It’s an on-line grocery or market of sorts. On one of the cleaning products they sell, there is an intriguing bit at the very end of the ingredients, cautions, and warnings. It reads, “You are reading this because you forgot your phone when you went to the toilet, didn’t you.” This one made me laugh so hard, I nearly choked on my coffee.

I was shopping on line for some pet shampoo, since it is skunk season currently (and pretty much always around my house). I found a totally natural pet shampoo that has this information printed on the back: “Remember to eliminate all escape routes well in advance. Once your pet is slippery wet, he or she is suddenly faster and smarter than you are.”

I’d love to have the job of creating fun instructions for people who are either (a) really dense or (b) easily amused. So here’s my instruction for reading my blog:  Don’t hold a cup of hot coffee over your reading device while in a room filled with snakes or mice.