Etiquette Smetiquette

Over the past several years, I have become fascinated by an HBO/MAX television show entitled “The Gilded Age.” Part of the fascination is that two of my favorite actors (Christine Baranski and Cynthia Nixon) are main characters. The other is the opulent setting – fashion, architecture, furnishings, and manners of the 1890’s are depicted in eloquent detail. It’s so amazing that I’ve taken to researching the period to see just how accurate the writers and set designers are – and they are amazing.
Contrastingly, I have become discouraged by the erosion of common courtesy and customer service in my own time period. Clerks that don’t say “thank you,” tellers who don’t make eye contact, and the never-ending series of automated responses one gets just to report something to a company. Usually this involves a company I spend lots of money with (television, internet, electric, for example) and I spend hours – literally hours – on the phone just trying to get a real person on the line.
I dove into this topic on the internet and I found the following helpful “tips” as to proper etiquette for the 21st century. Note that these are “tips” and “suggestions.” These include:
1. At the workplace, respect others’ time, be punctual and communicate professionally.
2. For social gatherings, bring a small gift when invited to someone’s home, be mindful of noise levels, and offer assistance with cleanup.
3. In online interactions, avoid offensive language, respect privacy and be mindful that your digital footprint is important (whatever that is).
4. In everyday interactions, use “please” and “thank you,” hold open door for others and be mindful of personal space.
The 1890’s were incredibly different. Not only were rules of etiquette followed, they were viewed as stringently as laws. To deviate from the standards could mean expulsion from society – at least in terms of invitations and attending events. These rules covered a lot of ground, including:
1. Introductions and Courting: Formal introductions were crucial, with etiquette guides outlining proper procedures. (No online meetings or “hook ups” then!) Courting rituals were elaborate and included carefully planned interactions as well as chaperones.
2. Social Gatherings: Invitations to social events were sent out well in advance. Guests were expected to arrive and depart at specific times and both men and women were expected to follow specific rules of dress and behavior (can you imagine?).
a. Conversations were expected to be polite and restrained, with a focus on maintaining social harmony.
b. Seating arrangement were crucial, with the goal of promoting social mixing.
3. Everyday Etiquette: Walking in public required adherence to specific rules, such as keeping to the right and avoiding jostling.
a. Smoking was generally discouraged in the presence of ladies and men were expected to be mindful of their cigar etiquette.
b. It was considered rude to stare at others, use a toothpick in public, or engage in loud or boisterous behavior.
c. Women were to be impeccably groomed, avoid fighting, and maintain a level of modesty (oh, my!).
d. There were also specific rules for visiting , including how to sit, how to greet the host, and how to behave in the presence of an invalid.
4. Breaches of Etiquette: Breaches of etiquette included such things as staring, fidgeting, or failing to acknowledge someone. Failing to acknowledge a greeting, or stepping on someone’s foot, were also considered faux pas.
The actual list was quite lengthy and quite specific. In fact, there are books about this topic – from 1890. These days, we can’t even get a paragraph about how to behave nicely. Maybe they were too strict, but maybe, just maybe they were on the right track! What do you think? Please? Thank you!